示爱方式不同的两人如何相处

来源：21英语网



查克•福特(Chuck Ford)经常对妻子诉说自己有多么爱她。他喜欢两人散步时手牵手，看电视时相互依偎，他还很喜欢拥抱。
Chuck Ford tells his wife often how much he loves her. He likes to hold hands when they walk, cuddle when they watch TV and hug -- a lot.
他的妻子朱迪•福特(Judy Ford)已经学会去喜欢这些方式，但她说，“我不喜欢两个人坐在沙发上依偎两个小时。”
His wife has learned to like it. ’I don’t like to sit on the couch and cuddle for two hours,’ says Judy Ford, a 66-year-old retired high-school counselor from Carmel, Ind.
在两性世界里，也许最棘手的便是“情感给予者”与“情感内敛者”的相处之道了。
Of all the ways that opposites attract, the thorniest may be when emotionally giving types pair up with types who are emotionally reserved.
情感给予者喜欢把爱慕之情秀出来：拥抱、接吻、鲜花，甚至是用飞机拉烟写字──再怎么示爱也不过分。他们也渴望获得别人的示爱。而情感内敛者肯定也会爱得很深，但示爱却令他们浑身不自在。他们通常指望伴侣先示爱。有时他们甚至不喜欢别人向自己表达爱意。
Givers love to show affection: Hugs, kisses, flowers, skywriting -- there’s no such thing as too much. They crave receiving displays of love, as well. Reserved types certainly may love deeply, but they are uncomfortable showing it. Often, they rely on their partner to initiate a display of affection. Sometimes, they don’t even enjoy receiving expressions of love.
专家们说，情感给予者与情感内敛者一开始会相互吸引，因为他们很不一样。情感给予者常常觉得情感内敛者很耐人寻味；他们喜欢诱导不轻易示爱的人表达出心中爱意。而情感内敛者通常也喜欢让人唤起他们内心深处的情感。
Initially, emotionally giving types are attracted to emotionally reserved types, and vice versa, because they are so different, experts say.
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Giving people often find reserved people intriguing; they like to elicit affection from someone who doesn’t express it easily. And deep down, reserved types often like to be drawn out.
但随着时间的推移，这两类人也会让对方最糟糕的一面暴露出来。情感给予者开始显得有些贪心。情感内敛的伴侣对此反应是退避三舍。于是情感给予者为吸引对方关注而付出更多；令情感内敛者进一步退缩。
Over time, though, the two types can bring out the worst in each other. The giver starts to seem needy. The reserved partner reacts by pulling away. This makes the giver give even more in order to elicit attention; the reserved one backs away even further.
现年66岁的朱迪退休之前在印地安那州卡梅尔(Carmel)任高中指导老师，61岁的福特退休之前则是一名社会科学教师，夫妇俩结婚已有20年。福特在结婚之初就开始感觉到妻子并不会充分回应他的爱意。她极少主动拥抱或亲吻他。福特说，虽然妻子有时候允许他牵手，但其实并不喜欢这样。于是他开始泄气了。他回忆道，“我不想浪费时间了，如果婚姻经营得不如意，我可以去钓鱼、打猎，从事我的研究，或者打理业务关系。”他还担心两人的关系无法维持下去。
Early in their 20-year marriage, Mr. Ford, a 61-year-old retired social-studies teacher, began to feel his wife didn’t fully reciprocate his affection. She rarely initiated hugs and kisses. And while she let him hold her hand sometimes, Mr. Ford says he could tell she didn’t really enjoy it. He began to pull away. ’I didn’t want to waste my time,’ he recalls. ’If the marriage isn’t working so well, I can go fish or hunt or work on my studies or business relationships.’ He worried the relationship wouldn’t last.
然后朱迪问她丈夫究竟出了什么问题。福特对她说，“我希望我们身体上更亲近一些，不一定是做爱。”于是她提醒福特，她是在一个不常“亲亲抱抱”的德裔美国人家庭长大的。她告诉他，自己更喜欢以行动来示爱──布置一个舒适的家，制定度假计划，安排和他的家人的聚会。她说，“我是在一个关系非常紧密的家庭中长大的，家人通过共度时光来表达他们的爱。”
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Then Ms. Ford asked her husband what was wrong. He told her, ’I need more physical closeness, and not necessarily sex.’ She reminded him that she had been raised in a German-American household that wasn’t ’huggy-kissy.’ She told him she prefers to show love through actions -- making a nice home, planning vacations, setting up get-togethers with his family. ’I was raised in a very bonded family that showed their love by spending time together,’ she says.
在心理学领域，这些与人相处的不同方式被称为“依附类型”，是由后天环境和遗传基因共同决定的。依附被视为在进化基础上形成的人类基本需求。许多没被人抱过，或者缺少身体爱抚的儿童（譬如孤儿）发育速度无法达到正常水平。
In the psychology field, these different ways of relating are called ’attachment style,’ and they are partly learned and partly genetic. Attachment is believed to be a basic human need with an evolutionary basis. Many children, such as orphans, who aren’t held or given physical affection fail to grow at normal rates.
纽约哥伦比亚大学(Columbia University)的精神病学家兼神经科学家阿米尔•莱文(Amir Levine) 是《依附：有关成人依附的新科学以及它如何帮助你找到并维系真爱》(Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find- and Keep-Love)一书的作者之一，他认为依附类型有三种：安全型(Secure)、焦虑型(Anxious)和逃避型(Avoidant)。他说，安全型的人在总人口中所占比例超过半数，他们往往较为热情、体贴，亲密关系会让他们感觉很舒适。
Amir Levine, a psychiatrist and neuroscientist at Columbia University in New York, identifies three types of attachment styles: Secure, Anxious and Avoidant. Secure people make up more than half the population and are typically warm, caring and comfortable with intimacy, he says.
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莱文博士说，焦虑型的人约占总人口的20%，他们常常对伴侣关系感到担忧，担心伴侣是否爱他们。焦虑型的人通常属于情感给予者。逃避型的人约占总人口的25%，他们往往认为亲密会让人丧失自主性，试图尽量减少亲密。
Those with an Anxious attachment style, about 20% of the population, often worry about their relationship and whether their partner loves them, says Dr. Levine, co-author of the book ’Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find -- and Keep -- Love.’ They typically are emotionally giving. Those with an Avoidant attachment style, about 25% of the population, tend to think intimacy leads to loss of autonomy and try to minimize closeness, he says.
20世纪60年代中期，约翰霍普金斯大学(Johns Hopkins University)的心理学家玛丽•安斯沃思(Mary Ainsworth)设计了一个名为“陌生情境”(the Strange Situation)的实验：一个婴孩在房间里和她母亲一起玩。随后母亲离开了房间，一个陌生人留在房间里。然后母亲又回到房间里。弗吉尼亚州夏洛茨维尔(Charlottesville)的玛丽•D•安斯沃思儿童-父母依附行为诊疗中心(Mary D. Ainsworth Child-Parent Attachment Clinic)的负责人罗伯特•S•马文(Robert S. Marvin)说，大多数孩子在母亲离开房间会情绪低落。
In the mid-1960s, a Johns Hopkins University psychologist, Mary Ainsworth, developed an experiment known as ’the Strange Situation’: A young child plays with her mother in a room. Her mother leaves, and a stranger remains. Then the mother returns. Most children were distressed when their mothers left the room, says Robert S. Marvin, director of the Mary D. Ainsworth Child-Parent Attachment Clinic, in Charlottesville, Va.
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安斯沃思博士考察了母子重逢之后发生的情况。一些孩子会急急扑向他们的母亲，很容易在母亲的安抚下平静下来；安斯沃思博士将这些孩子归为安全型。另一些孩子无法在母亲的安抚下平静下来；她把这些孩子归为“焦虑抗拒型”。一些孩子并不会扑向他们的母亲，或者一开始接近母亲，但后来转向别处；这些孩子她称为“焦虑逃避型”。
Dr. Ainsworth examined what took place during the mother-child reunion. Some children rushed to their mothers and were easily consoled; Dr. Ainsworth concluded they secure. Other children were unable to be consoled by their mothers; these she called ’anxious-resistant.’ Some didn’t rush to their mothers, or they started to approach but then turned away; these she called ’anxious-avoidant.’
另一项名为“无表情面孔”(the Still Face)的实验是由现为麻省大学波士顿分校(University of Massachusetts Boston)发展心理学家的爱德华•特罗尼克(Edward Tronick)设计的。这项实验显示，一个孩子在婴幼儿时期就能感知母亲感情的冷淡了。特罗尼克博士用视频记录了一位母亲与大约一岁的婴儿充满爱意的互动。随后，这位母亲板起脸来。婴儿注意到了母亲表情的变化，一开始试图用微笑重新建立与母亲的互动，然后她开始把手指向母亲、尖叫，最后哭了起来。
Another experiment, ’the Still Face,’ conducted by Edward Tronick, now a developmental psychologist at the University of Massachusetts Boston, demonstrates that a child can experience a mother’s emotional withdrawal at an early age. Dr. Tronick videotaped a mother engaging lovingly with her approximately 1-year-old baby. Then the mother makes her face immobile. The baby notices and tries to re-engage with her by smiling, then by pointing, then shrieking and finally crying.
莱文博士说，好消息是依附类型可以改变。专家们说，伴侣应该告诉对方自己需要什么，并且要具体一些。比如，他们可以说，“我知道对你来说当着我朋友的面亲热很难，但在家里我真的需要每天来一个拥抱。”
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The good news, Dr. Levine says, is that attachment style can change. Experts say couples need to tell each other what they need and be specific. For example, they can say, ’I know it’s difficult for you to be affectionate in front of my friends, but at home I really need a hug every day.’
示爱不必锱铢必较，只要双方都有所表示就可以了。纽约州芒特基斯科(Mount Kisco)的婚姻和家庭治疗师沙伦•吉尔克里斯特•奥尼尔(Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill )说，“伴侣双方都应向与他们心理舒适区相反的方向迈出一小步。”她说自己比丈夫情感内敛，而丈夫让她在自己回家时吻他一下。
Displays of love don’t have to be 50-50, as long as both people show something. ’Each partner will need to make some slight movements in the opposite direction from which they are comfortable,’ says Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, a Mount Kisco, N.Y., marriage and family therapist. She says she is more emotionally reserved than her husband, and he asked her to give him a kiss when he comes home.
福特夫妇做出了一些努力来弥合双方的差异，现在，朱迪会在丈夫回家时和上床前拥抱他。她对拉手不那么排斥了，经常主动牵手。福特也调整了自己的期望值，不再因妻子缺少语言或身体示爱而耿耿于怀。他还开始注意朱迪示爱的其他方式：为两人共度特别的周末而精心安排活动，为他清洗打猎的服装，在他出去露营之前准备和冷冻食物。福特说，“我们已经达到了默契，这一切源自沟通。”
The Fords worked on their differences, and now Ms. Ford gives her husband hugs when he comes home and before bed. She has become more comfortable holding hands and often initiates it. Mr. Ford has altered his expectations and doesn’t take his wife’s lack of verbal or physical expression personally. He also pays attention to the other ways she tells him she loves him: planning special weekends together, washing his hunting clothes, preparing and freezing meals before he
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goes camping. ’We’ve moved to a mutual center,’ Mr. Ford says. ’It comes from communication.’
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